I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
