The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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