I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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