The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
