Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
