we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
