I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
