just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
