The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
