Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
