I just cut my nipple shaving
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
