Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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