Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
