I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
