No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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