i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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