Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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