why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
