I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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