I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
