Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
