You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Houston, we have a squirter
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
