I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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