ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
