I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
