saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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