why do cheetos always look like penises
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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