I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
