Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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