I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
MIDGETS
????
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
