I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
