I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
