take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I love you. Go after that dick
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