note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
