So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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