That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
