Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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