currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
