my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
