Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
