Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
