why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
