Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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