I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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