Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my liver is dry heaving
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
