Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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