You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
