Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
