Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hippo gnu deer
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize