i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
