so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We are all done wearing pants today
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
