I like to think it a success when the cops are called
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
