Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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