I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
