3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
