12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize