when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
