you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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