Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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