As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
