have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
