There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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